Tuesday, January 28, 2014

What on EARTH am I doing?!

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? Drifting through the wind? Wanting to start again? Just kidding...but seriously, admit it. Sometimes you just feel like dirt. Not the pretty red dirt that could be turned into clay, not the soil that fertilizes the beautiful plants, but the dirt that lies with fossils; dirt that lies with the dead, like I'm at a dead - end. I can feel so lost sometimes, but not often because I'm too busy focusing on a degree that has nothing to do with my dreams, or so I think. Lately, I've been having a pain in my chest (figuratively speaking...somewhat) that feels like a gut feeling. It's a feeling that people tend to act upon because they know it'd lead to something positive/negative; a serious consequence. **Side note: a gut feeling occurs due to sharing the same emotional chemical produced in your brain with you stomach. So, you're actually FEELING you're emotions. Yay for college education! Anyway, I have been praying a lot about things that probably aren't necessary. A.K.A. selfish praying (or at least I think it is). I've been praying for guidance, but more like "PLEASE JUST GIVE ME SOME SORT OF SIGN BECAUSE THINGS AREN'T GOING SO HOT DOWN HERE AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO." With that thought, the past week, I have been realizing that I have absolutely NO way of knowing what will happen next in my life. None. Even if I do have my planner laid out in front of me, things could change in a second. I can't keep worrying about what I should be doing or what others think I should do because it's not up to me, and let me tell you, that DRIVES. ME. NUTS. I always feel like I NEED to know everything; what I should do, where I should go, what I need to prepare, etc. But, in reality, I don't need to worry about SQUAT. Even though I might not enjoy what I'm doing now (I'm talking like I like it 30% of the time), maybe it's in my will; maybe it's what I'm supposed to be doing. It could be a part of my ultimate goal; my will in His plan, even though I'd rather run 10 miles than continue to do what I'm doing. And you know what? The past month or so, I swear, EVERY sermon at my Church has been giving me hints. Basically, the hint has been, "Chill out, be true, and let me do my work. - God" So, I'm doing my best to just relax and let things fall where they may, which has been challenging, but interesting at the same time. I can't recall each one specifically, but I remember 2 that stood out to me... 1. Stop waiting for Him, because He is waiting for you. 2. Don't be like the rest of the world. Clear your mind. When you do, you'll know what to do. My husband and I talked a lot about this topic last night, lying in bed, wondering why we were given such plans. He concluded with, "Seek and ye shall find." I concluded with, "Knock and the door shall be opened unto you." Let it be, let it be Let it be, let it be Whisper words of wisdom Let it be. -The Beatles

14 comments:

  1. I found this pdf of a lesson on knowing God's will for your life, job, future, etc. It seems pretty sound and helpful for where you are right now. Read it and talk it over with your husband. It may be what you are looking for: http://www.kjvbiblestudy.com/pdf/english/Lesson_07_The_Will_of_GOD.pdf
    Just take a day at a time doing the things you know God would say is right, ignoring the worry about the rest. Things will fall into place eventually and in God's timing - not yours. I'll be praying for you!

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    1. Thank you so much! I've been reading it and it and so far, I've found it to be very helpful and eye-opening!

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  2. I think you are on the right track to finding the answers you are seeking. I always have to remember that things will happen in God's time, not mine. That's the hardest part. Your post is beautifully written!

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  3. I understand your post with my entire heart and soul Kate!! Thanks for sharing because it makes me feel better lol!!! I think the hardest thing for me right now is holding onto a anxious pit in my stomach--I feel it daily. I want to know exactly how my life is going to be, what's going to come next. Is it to avoid pain? Is it to find fulfillment? Is it to fix mistakes that I wish I never made??? I feel lost and alone at this time...we are graduating!!! This is NOT the time! and my EOU experience is NOT exactly what I intended. So I guess all I can do now is let go. Let it be. My mom says, replace your fears with faith. Let's walk forward.

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    1. Thanks! I'm glad it made you feel better! All of your questions are so relevant! I suppose we are at that "who am I?" age in life. Thanks for your thoughtful reply!

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  4. I feel you Katie. Sometimes, I feel like, " Am I really supposed to do this? Is this really what I want? I really do not know either. But, we are also at a age where we become a little bit confused. I hope you figure everything out!!

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    1. Thanks, Isai! The twenties can be quite confusing and I wasn't expecting it!

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  5. I think this is a feeling every college senior can relate to. The future holds so many unknowns and so many uncertainties. Way to trust in God and allow him to direct your steps.

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  6. I think many people feel this way. I too feel this way. Is this the right path for me? What if it's not and I just wasted all this time and money on something that doesn't work out. I decided that when I think too much about it, I stress myself out really bad to the point of anxiety attacks. I've come to the conclusion that I need to take things day by day and if this isn't meant to be, something will come up and show me the way. It's all I can do with the amount of money and time I've already invested in this career. What definitely helps me most days is when I'm in the classroom helping students and teaching them, it feels right. Not knowing how life will turn out I think is what bothers me the most. If God intends on us doing something else, the door will open :)

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    1. It's nice to see that I'm not alone when I thought I was!

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  7. Wow! I can relate so much with your post! I agree with your statement of wanting to be in control and have been feeling similar frustrations of trying to figure out when to let go and let God take over. Thank you for sharing!

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